LAFFTIME
I have always as long as I can remember enjoyed good humor. My dad was a funny man with a good sense of humor. One of my cousins I was very close to while growing up was funny and told me jokes constantly. I have always liked to tell jokes, but I have a problem … I can’t remember them for long. I had a bunch of them stored on my computer which I wrote out, but they have disappeared somehow over the years. Boo Hoo! God has told us in His word that “laughter is good like a medicine.” So let’s all have a good ‘laff’ on me.
I first heard this one from President Ronald Reagan … There was a Democratic Convention going on and it was being held in a large hotel. During the Convention there was a young boy selling “Democratic puppies”. A couple of weeks later the boy was back at the Republican Convention being held in the same hotel. He was trying to sell Republican puppies. A news reporter had been to both Conventions and confronted the boy about claiming they were Democratic puppies just two weeks ago. He asked the boy what is going on that now they are Republican puppies. The boy simply said … “Well, now they have their eyes open.”
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Nothing but crap on TV …
It is said that an ant can lift 7 times its own weight while and elephant can only lift 1/6 of its weight. Despite this fact, an ant can not lift an elephant.
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CHEE8MEpi/?mibextid=wwXIfr
Child: Papa, how many lives can a man have?
Dad: Well, son … 16 … 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.
my time left to serve in the Navy was getting short …
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump if he runs again.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
Maybe this is a sign of the times … gender confusion.
Most of us know that southerners call people from the north, YANKEES. Do you know what they call people from the north that relocate in the south? DAMN YANKEES
Yo mama is so bald …You can see whats on her mind!
Have you noticed that many people are fed up with politicians? I don’t know why. They haven’t done anything.
My 2nd attempt at making a salad …
There was once a famous sea captain known far and wide. It was also well known that the first thing every morning he would go to his safe and take out a piece of paper to look at. Then he would return the paper and lock the safe back up. No one knew what was on the paper. Years passed by and the sea captain died. Immediately the second in command and a small number of other officers rushed to the sea captain’s cabin to open the safe and find out what was on that paper. They all thought that it must be something very profound that helped make the sea captain so well known and respected. The safe was opened and the paper was removed. They all anxiously read it. It read “starboard-right, port-left”.
https://youtu.be/yG1P3IcQTlA?si=W1_O9bIzpjlnx8Dr&t=9
https://youtu.be/eNffFJGaquM?si=u566vrKMl4_JyyWV
When Amish teens rebel …
Just a few plants she said …
You are looking at a cake made to look like a flower pot …
There was once a small bird who always procrastinated when it came to flying south for the winter. One year he found himself waiting too long as an early winter storm came upon where he was at. He knew he could not wait any longer so he took off flying. Soon, however, he found himself flying in freezing rain and ice started forming on his wings and weighting him down and wearing him out. It was finally too much for him and he started fluttering downward toward earth. Below him was a barn yard and he landed with a thud. As he laid there freezing he figured he was a goner for sure. He thought it can’t get any worse than this when he looked up and saw a cow lift her tail and drop a big pile of warm manure right on top of him. Then he thought it can’t get any worse than this. But to his surprise and delight the warmth of the fresh manure melted the ice and warmed his nearly frozen body. It, in fact, revived him to where he was so delighted and happy he started chirping away. About that time a nearby farm cat heard the chirping and went to investigate. Now the bird being buried in manure was safe enough as he was out of sight, but not knowing that the cat was around he kept on chirping. The cat was searching for the sound and eventually figured out that it was coming from a pile of manure. The cat took his paw and swooped out the bird and popped it into his mouth. He ate the bird. Now this story has 3 morals to it … 1) Not everybody who craps on you is your enemy 2) Not everybody that takes crap off of you is your friend and 3) When you are warm and comfortable, even if you are in deep crap, keep your mouth shut.
From Rodney Dangerfield … I tell ya, I get no respect at all. When I was born the doctor smacked me. I found out the nurse got a few slaps in as well.
Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Custom made security bars …
6th grade teacher: “Bob, no one is going to pay you to look out the window all day.”
-Bob, age 42, pilot, $164,000.
A man and his wife find themselves struggling along in their marriage as they both are very intelligent and it seems to cause them disharmony in their daily relationship. They realized that they needed help so while the wife visited her doctor she talked to him about the matter hoping he could help somehow. The doctor told her about some new technology just out … a machine which could reduce a person’s IQ … and he suggested that one of them should have their IQ lowered. He further explained that she and her husband talk it over and decide which one of them should have their IQ lowered. Another appointment was made for them giving them time to make their decision. They showed up and explained that they had decided on the husband being the one to have his IQ lowered. The doctor explained that they needed to be sure of what they were doing as there was no reversal of this action. They understood and made another appointment for the procedure in just a couple of days later. They showed up and the husband was taken into an exam room while the wife remained in the main lobby area. The husband was hooked up to the machine and the doctor turned it on. It started buzzing and clicking away just like it was designed to do. All was going well when suddenly a nurse came running into the exam room to tell the doctor that there was a serious emergency that he needed to attend to. The doctor rushed out of the exam room to the emergency. Meanwhile the husband remained hooked up to the machine as it was working lowering the IQ of the man. The doctor had the emergency under control when he suddenly remembered the husband hooked up to the machine. He rushed back into the exam room and shut the machine off. He looked at the husband who was sitting there with his mouth open and drooling. The doctor thought “Oh my, how am I going to explain this?” He went out to talk to the wife and explain things to her the best he could. Then he said to her that he needed to explain things to her husband, but he did not know how well that was going to go as he didn’t know just what the husband was capable of understanding. The doctor said that he would try to use as simple of language as he could. They both went into the exam room and the doctor started speaking to the husband trying to explain the situation to him. The husband just sat there with a stupid look on his face and continued to drool. When the doctor had finished telling the husband he asked the husband if he understood. The husband simply answered “10-4, good buddy”.
There are a lot of folks like this driver …
A man is in his doctor’s office. The doctor told him “I have good news for you and bad news. Which do you want first? Give me the bad news, the man says. The doctor says, “You only have 48 hours to live.” The man says “what can be worse news than that?” The doctor says, I have been looking for you since yesterday.”
Tablets were replaced by Scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets
I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out a friend. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money!! He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the $1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her – crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
It is rather ironic … what we value so highly on earth is nothing more than pavement in heaven.
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising “Christian Puppies.” Their interest piqued, they go inside.
“How do you know they’re Christian puppies?”
“Watch,” says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, “Fetch the Bible.” The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner …says, “Find Psalm 23.” The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks “Does he also know ‘regular’ commands?”
“Gee, we don’t know. We didn’t ask,” replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, “Sit.” The dog sits. He says, “Lie down.” The dog lies down. He says “Roll over.” The dog rolls over.
He says “Heel.” The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner’s forehead and bows his head.”Oh look.” the wife exclaims.
“He’s Pentecostal.”
Wanna see a real couch potato?
The owner of a Yugo car walks into an auto parts store and up to the service counter and says to the store employee “I’d like a rear view mirror for my Yugo. The store employee hesitates briefly as though he is considering what was said to him and then answers “Sounds like a fair trade to me”.
Do you know what they call a female with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene
Adam & Eve didn’t have a mother-in -law. That’s why it was paradise.
My doctor told me to use a bicycle and cut the carbs.
When the mainstream media tell you the facts, as they interpret them:
A man was walking by the zoo in Washington, DC when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the collar of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The hero ran to the cage, and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumped back letting go of the girl; and, the man brought her to her terrified parents who thanked him endlessly.
A Washington Post reporter had watched the entire event and hurried over.
The reporter said to the man, “Sir, that was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my whole life.”
The man replied, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted like any man would do.”
“Oh no,” said the reporter, You are indeed a hero, and I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living, and since you are in our nation’s capital, what political affiliations do you have?”
The man replied, ‘I’m a Captain, U.S. Amy Special Forces combat veteran , and I’m a Republican.”
The journalist left, for some reason red-faced.
The following morning the man bought the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brought news of his actions, and read, on the front page:
“CRAZED GREEN BERET VETERAN VICIOUSLY ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”
And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
How come there is enough asphalt for speed bumps, but not enough to fill potholes?
(2021 thru 2024)
There was an airplane with passengers aboard inflight when it developed engine trouble. It was in serious trouble and would soon fall out of the sky. In order to save their lives they were going to have to bail out using parachutes they had aboard. There was just one problem … they were short one parachute. Passengers started grabbing parachutes while telling why it was important that they live and contribute to society. One by one they grabbed a parachute and bailed out of the plane. Finally they were down to 3 people and 2 parachutes. One man grabbed a parachute saying that he was the smartest man in the world and, of course, it was important that he survived. He bailed out of the plane. One of those left was a little girl. The remaining passenger was a hippie. The little girl started crying. The hippie asked her why she was crying and she said ” There is only one parachute left and I am just a little girl while you are much older. I know you will take it”. He said, “don’t cry little girl, we both have parachutes. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack”.
I am not on Twitter, but I will stop people on the street and tell them stuff they are not interested in.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’
Bob was stunned.
‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St.. Peter said,
‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Bob was devastated but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home….
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.
‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Bob the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Bob.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster.
‘It’s no big deal.’
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife saying to him… …
“BOB! Wake up – you’re pooping in the bed!!”
A friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle. That friend has been blocked.
Wanna see a real asshole?
A girl was about to get married and confessed to her mother that she was nervous about it. Her mother said “It’s fairly simple, you walk down the aisle, stand at the altar, and sing a hymn. Just remember: aisle, altar, hymn”. As she walked down the aisle, she was heard saying to herself “I’ll alter him, I’ll alter him…”
I can believe that, I think all women have that mindset and goal.
Looks like he could take your arm off … with his tongue.
What a deal!
Definitely sounds better when you get the punctuation right …
Hey, that reminds me of a joke … A woman pulls into a parking space at a mall and gets out of her car. A man nearby observes her outside of her car pointing her finger and saying “Now you stay!” He didn’t know it but she was talking to a small dog in the seat that he could not see. He walks toward her and says “Lady, why don’t you just put the car in park?”
Hey, has anybody seen Big Bird? I heard that he is supposed to be the Guest of Honor.
Let’s see how you like it!
Yep, I can remember that from my childhood.
He is about to have a bad day …
Airline pilot seen walking with a passenger’s seeing eye dog at the airport …
I am all for that … billing the doctor for not honoring appointment times.
We laugh, but it is ever so true … Actually it is narrow way not stairway.
Yes, it could indeed be cheesy . I have rarely eaten there, but that maybe what they served me …
It is nice to have a small friend that can hang with you …
Big Foot as a baby …
During Obama and Biden …
If he (the scarecrow) only had a brain.
Some people just seem to be all mouth …
Not many cars and motorists can comply …
Anyone for a swim?
Yuuucckkk! I’ll pass.
When I was a kid growing up I used to climb a fence to go onto a farmer’s field. There was a bull in the field and I was always watching for him and hoping I could out run him.
No problem here …
Yep, that sounds like the Chinese …
To be fair, that looks like smoke coming from the tires under hard acceleration.
Pres. Trump is draining the swamp. This guy is draining the river.
Even this guy has had enough winter.
Ouch, that’s gonna leave a mark!
Most of us have heard about it, now there is proof.
Do you know what BUFFET stands for? BIG UGLY FAT FOLKS EATING TOGETHER
A garden cake …
A garbage truck cake …
Hmmm, reminds me of where I live …
Hey, at least he got the fly …
No more excuses I reckon …
Hotel rooms with best views … (I feel sorry for the maids that have to make up those beds.)
During a trial in a Baltimore courthouse, the prosecutor calls his first witness—an elderly woman named Mrs. Rabinowitz. He approaches her with confidence and begins the questioning:
“Mrs. Rabinowitz, do you know me?”
She adjusts her glasses, looks him straight in the eye and says:
“Of course I know you. I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and to be honest, I’m deeply disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and gossip behind everyone’s back. You walk around acting like some big shot, but the truth is… you’re just a small-minded bureaucrat who never figured that out.”
The courtroom erupts in whispering.
The prosecutor freezes, completely stunned.
Desperate to shift attention, he points across the room.
“Mrs. Rabinowitz… do you know the defense attorney?”
She nods.
“Oh, I know him too. He’s lazy, impatient, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t hold together a single healthy relationship. His law practice is one of the worst in the city. And let’s not even mention the fact that he cheated on his wife with three different women… one of whom is your wife, by the way. So yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney turns pale.
The judge, barely holding himself together, bangs his gavel.
He calls both lawyers to the bench and whispers through clenched teeth:
“Listen carefully. If either one of you idiots asks her whether she knows me, I swear I’ll have you both out chopping wood by sunset.”
Can’t blame him, he did exactly as she instructed him to do.
A bit of ingenuity …
I think he may be onto something … it sure seems to be like that.
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA …
Impress your friends … make this litter box cake complete with melted Tootsie Rolls.
I remember when I worked at a factory in maintenance dept. and we had snow about 10 feet deep. I had to hand shovel a path from our main building out about 100 feet or so to the pump house building which we had to check daily. That was a hard job throwing snow up and out of the path I was shoveling. And, of course, I could not see where I was going with the path. I had to keep going back to the main building to see if I was on course. We haven’t had any snowfalls like that for many years for which I am thankful.
My second attempt at making a salad …
Seems like it anyway …
Huuuhh … no mention of number 2 business …
Yeah, that is probably a very good idea …
Government efficiency …
Multi tasking at an early age …
Algebra and a whole lot of other things that are totally useless to most people.
Gee, I did not know it was that easy. I’ll have to put up a sign.
I would not be at all surprised if this warning is needed nowadays. (And as they say … they vote too.)
All I can say is don’t knock it until you have tried it.
Welcome to America where the sky is the limit …
Obama wearing MAGA hat …
Ol’ Reliable Emergency Kit …
One very long cow …
Oops, too late now …
Laugh if you want to, but I bet it helps their sales …
Old man with a walker passing a cyclist riding on trail …
Does this look like a pot of mashed potatoes to you? It is not.
SURPRISE!
“Purebread” dog …
The Golden Spike meet up …
Redneck air conditioner set up …
Very interesting …
As in overwhelmed …
Hey, I know where that is at …
Yep, I have been to both of those places …
Talk about runaway inflation …
Scary van of the week …
People who use self check outs and order kiosks are unpaid employees and those businesses love it when people use them.
That is certainly true …
That out to build confidence and trust …
What is it?
Stay or go … you make the choice …
Ain’t that the truth? …
Force of habit many of us have …
Don’t worry, I’m ok …
WOW, what a deal!
It would probably be a little hard to breathe and would be slower going unless you are going with the current.
It would not surprise me if the NY Times published this.
That looks like the VA hospital …
Now we know …
Vegans beware …
I see she has virus protection …
I bet there are those who believe this …
Where there is a will there is a way
Now that wouldn’t surprise me, nope, not one bit …
She sure looks like a dog to me …
Yes, I see why … a bubble shield is needed to accommodate that snoz.
I was sitting here eating lunch when I realized, cottage cheese is not in reality, an actual cheese.
Just a curd to me.
I knew there had to be some good explanation.
Go ahead if you want to … attempt to run the gauntlet …
At last, somebody figured it out …
YOUR DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”
She cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Argentina is pretty cold.
🥶
I’d say it’s bordering on Chile.
You’ve heard of copy cats? … He is ready for his catscan …
Ha, that sounds like me as I have had major changes right after ordering something.
WOW, that’s gonna be some picnic!
More to be added …
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic:
Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young:
“Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young:
‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young:
“I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer:
“Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young:
“Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young:
“My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer:
“Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young:
“But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story —
Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.
**********
There was a new arrival at a prison. Another prisoner sort of took him under wing to help him learn and adjust to life in prison. When it came lunch time they gathered together in the dining room. They had groups of prisoners being fed in the small dining room so they didn’t have much time to eat as they had to avail the dining room to other prisoners until everyone as fed. It was the only time they were together so they used that time to tell jokes and stories among themselves. After awhile everyone ran out of new jokes and stories to tell. They realized that they all knew them so well that they decided to number them. They would then just shout out the number for the joke or story. That worked well for them since their time together was short. They could tell a lot of jokes and stories in the limited time they were gathered together. When the new prisoner went to lunch for the first time he heard numbers being shouted out and then everybody laughed. This happened a few times and the new prisoner asked his friend what was going on. His friend explained it to him. The new prisoner thought that was pretty neat and he would give it a try. When the laughter died down he yelled out “47”… but to his surprise no one laughed. He said to his friend “I don’t understand it. Why didn’t they laugh?” His friend said “Some people can tell a joke and some can’t”.
A young boy swallows a bullet and his mom being very concerned takes him to the doctor. He simply prescribed taking castor oil, which is a laxative, and tells her to just keep an eye on things and it should pass okay, but he added … be careful where he is pointed.
Another little boy swallowed a cat’s eye marble. His mother took him to the doctor. The doctor assured her it should be okay … that it should safely pass … just watch his stool. If you don’t see it within 3 days bring him back. She followed his instructions, but never saw the marble in his stool so she took him back to the doctor. In the exam room the doctor had the little boy pull his pants down and bend over. Then the doctor took the instrument they use to look in noses, ears, etc. and used it to look up into the child’s rectum. After about a minute he finished looking, stood up and shook his head in disbelief. The mother asked “what is it doctor?” He answered “Ya know, I have looked up several butt holes in my life, but this is the first time I have ever had one look back at me!”
The following is a funny story I first heard when I was about 14 or 15 years old. My cousin told it to me.
A firm in Germany ordered coffee from an American firm and while the coffee was enroute a few bags split open making it possible for rats to nest in them. The Germans sent the following letter to the firm in the U.S.
Schentlemens,
Der last 2 packeteeches ve got from you of Kaffee vas mit rattschidtgemidt. Der Kaffee maybe gute enuff, but dur ratt durds schboils dertaste. Ve did not see der rattschidt in der samples vich you sent us. It takes so much time to pik der ratt durd from der Kaffee, dat its hardly wart it. Ve order der Kaffee clean and you schipt schidt mixt mit it.It vas a mistake ja? Ve like you toschip us der Kaffee in vun sack und der ratt schidt in anudder – den ve mix it to suit our customer.
Write blease if vs should keep der schidt and schip der Kaffee bek, or schip der whole schidden vorks bek.
Ve vant to do right in dis matter, but ve dont like all dis rattschdt
bizniss.
Mit mich respekts
Karl Gunmenschidt
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